Hey ... before I get to the reason for this post let me tell you that I am in the middle of a 5 day weekend. That's right, count 'em .... 1 ... 2... 3 ... 4 ... 5
Sounds great doesn't it? Not so much because I am painting all of the exterior trim on the doors and windows of the house. Because of my motivation issues and the ease with which I can abandon any project, I am working on a schedule. On Saturday I scraped and sanded the old paint. On Sunday I taped and puttied (where required). Today was painting with a primer. So far so good except that there was nothing in the weather forecast today that said anything about thundershowers!!!
There I was, sweating my balls off (it has been hot here for the past week) when a few minutes later it was nice and cool. Looked up and the formerly cloudless, sunny sky was covered with clouds of the grey variety. I rushed on the last window that I was priming and 10 minutes after I had finished it, the rain started to fall. It rained and thundered for a few minutes and then it was over. I have not yet gone to check the damage but it should be OK. It was only primer and dries very quickly (perhaps not as quickly as the rain fell). I think I'll be OK. Tomorrow is finish coat #1 and Wednesday should be finish coat #2 but the forecast says rain on Wednesday and a chance of showers tomorrow morning. I might end up having to get through both coats tomorrow.
I live in an old stone house, built in 1888. The stone is all greyish, beigeish and generally pale. The trim has been white since I moved in here so I decided to change it up a little. The white trim is going to become dark green. I think it will look good.
On another note, Welsby had to return the the Ontario Veterinary College today for a post operation 2 month checkup. The surgeon was very happy with the progress the boy has made and he can now run, jump and play like any other puppy. While he does not have 100% mobility in his front legs, he is doing great. Now all I hope for is that he doesn't get worse but that will probably happen at some point in time and will require more surgery, years from now and not a day sooner.
OK ... I have a pet peeve about a word that is so overused that it no longer means anything in my opinion.
The word is 'professional' and it denotes something special.
A professional is a member of a vocation founded upon specialized educational training.
The word professional traditionally means a person who has obtained a degree in a professional field. The term professional is used more generally to denote a white collar working person.
In western nations, such as the United States, the term commonly describes highly educated, mostly salaried workers, who enjoy considerable work autonomy, a comfortable salary, and are commonly engaged in creative and intellectually challenging work.
Because of the personal and confidential nature of many professional services and thus the necessity to place a great deal of trust in them, most professionals are held up to strict ethical and moral regulations.
Main criteria for professional include the following:
Academic qualifications - A teaching degree (University doctoral program), theological, medical, or law degree - i.e., university college/institute.
Expert and specialized knowledge in field which one is practicing professionally (architecture, accounting, engineering).
Excellent manual/practical and literary skills in relation to profession.
A high standard of professional ethics, behaviour and work activities while carrying out one's profession (as an employee, self-employed person, career, enterprise, business, company, or partnership/associate/colleague, etc.). The professional owes a higher duty to a client, often a privilege of confidentiality, as well as a duty not to abandon the client just because he or she may not be able to pay or remunerate the professional. Often the professional is required to put the interest of the client ahead of his own interests.
Reasonable work morale and motivation. Having interest and desire to do a job well as holding positive attitude towards the profession are important elements in attaining a high level of professionalism.
In Britain and elsewhere, professionalism is often designated by Royal Charter.
In narrow usage, not all expertise is considered a profession. Although sometimes referred to as professions, such occupations as skilled construction work are more generally thought of as trades or crafts. The completion of an apprenticeship is generally associated with skilled labor or trades such as carpenter, electrician, plumber, bricklayer and other similar occupations. A related (though not always valid) distinction would be that a professional does mainly mental or administrative work, as opposed to engaging in physical work.
So, here is my peeve ... in the past weekend I have seen signs for professional pet grooming, professional nail polishing, professional car washing, professional house painting and a few others, equally as asinine. If I am really good a masturbating (myself or somebody else) can I call myself a professional jerk off artist? If I work with a crane putting up tall buildings, can I call myself an erection professional? I might be the best in the world but there is no way that makes me a professional.
The overuse of this word has pretty much made it worthless as it no longer denotes a special occupation, only acquired after lengthy studies.
Would a professional nail polisher do a better job than an amateur nail polisher?
What words do you think are inappropriately used?
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
7 - Counselling Progress ...
I had a session with my counselor on Wednesday and it went very well. Very, very well actually. As you know, if you have read any of my past ramblings, we (my counselor and I) are trying to correct a few things in my life. It all started with my I don’t give a damn attitude about everything from work to my health. It was one thing to try and get me motivated and change the attitude by my counselor, being the very perceptive woman that she is, was to look deeper into me and try and find underlying reasons for my attitude. If we could make changes at that level they should impact, for the better, all areas of my life, including the I don’t care attitude.
I have taken all or at least most of what we have discussed as well as the suggestions she has made and started applying as much as I can to my life. The key will be to get my social life revamped and see where that takes me. I have started, slowly, to work my way into the changes and even though I am taking baby steps, the whole scenario is overwhelming and intimidating. I won’t let that stop me though.
I won’t go into the details of what I am trying but trust me, it is a very huge thing for me. All of this would probably seem like it was a part of your everyday life and not be a very big deal to almost all of you. What I am trying to do is change radically from a loner to a more sociable person.
My counselor was thrilled to see the progress that I am already making. As for it being a big deal it doesn’t matter because I will do whatever I have to do in order to prevent my return to the severe major depressive time that I went through a few years ago. I don’t want to revisit that dreadful time ever again. It has to be done so that makes it important and it won’t change by itself. The pressure is on because it all relies upon me being successful.
Several years ago when there was pressure on me (mostly the self imposed type of pressure) I would go to bed, pull up the covers and sleep away the feelings of pressure. It worked but not very well.
What I liked best about my counseling session was how thrilled my counselor was at where I was landed but, I think, more pleased with my determination and mindset. That made me feel very good about myself.
Something else that made is a successful session for me was that I was able to come up with possible solutions in different areas of, what might be, upcoming situations. Example … I hate winter with a passion. I hate the cold, the snow, the extra clothes we have to wear, going to work in the dark then coming home in the dark with the only time you get to be in the sun is on the weekends (if it isn’t freezing and snowing). Driving can be unnerving because it can be quite difficult and dangerous. So what is the point of winter? I have no idea how it benefits anybody.
I, like many people, get down during the winter. Because I dislike it so much I don’t participate in outdoor activities and haven’t for years. When I was in my 20s I skied (downhill and cross country) I played outdoor hockey and went skating, when I was a kid I played a lot of road hockey. I don’t do those things so winter becomes a routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, walking the dogs and hibernating. That routine will bring anybody’s spirits down.
My suggestion was that on a weekly basis I will go out to dinner or a movie, by myself if necessary or with somebody. I believe that will help me make an easier transition from autumn to spring.
Anybody want to accompany me to dinner and/or a movie in Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb or Mar?
I have taken all or at least most of what we have discussed as well as the suggestions she has made and started applying as much as I can to my life. The key will be to get my social life revamped and see where that takes me. I have started, slowly, to work my way into the changes and even though I am taking baby steps, the whole scenario is overwhelming and intimidating. I won’t let that stop me though.
I won’t go into the details of what I am trying but trust me, it is a very huge thing for me. All of this would probably seem like it was a part of your everyday life and not be a very big deal to almost all of you. What I am trying to do is change radically from a loner to a more sociable person.
My counselor was thrilled to see the progress that I am already making. As for it being a big deal it doesn’t matter because I will do whatever I have to do in order to prevent my return to the severe major depressive time that I went through a few years ago. I don’t want to revisit that dreadful time ever again. It has to be done so that makes it important and it won’t change by itself. The pressure is on because it all relies upon me being successful.
Several years ago when there was pressure on me (mostly the self imposed type of pressure) I would go to bed, pull up the covers and sleep away the feelings of pressure. It worked but not very well.
What I liked best about my counseling session was how thrilled my counselor was at where I was landed but, I think, more pleased with my determination and mindset. That made me feel very good about myself.
Something else that made is a successful session for me was that I was able to come up with possible solutions in different areas of, what might be, upcoming situations. Example … I hate winter with a passion. I hate the cold, the snow, the extra clothes we have to wear, going to work in the dark then coming home in the dark with the only time you get to be in the sun is on the weekends (if it isn’t freezing and snowing). Driving can be unnerving because it can be quite difficult and dangerous. So what is the point of winter? I have no idea how it benefits anybody.
I, like many people, get down during the winter. Because I dislike it so much I don’t participate in outdoor activities and haven’t for years. When I was in my 20s I skied (downhill and cross country) I played outdoor hockey and went skating, when I was a kid I played a lot of road hockey. I don’t do those things so winter becomes a routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, walking the dogs and hibernating. That routine will bring anybody’s spirits down.
My suggestion was that on a weekly basis I will go out to dinner or a movie, by myself if necessary or with somebody. I believe that will help me make an easier transition from autumn to spring.
Anybody want to accompany me to dinner and/or a movie in Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb or Mar?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
6 - Weight Loss ...
I am losing weight and I don't know why.
Two years ago I weighed 170 lb and was told by many people that I looked good at that weight. By the end of 2008 I was up to 195 lb and I absolutely hated it for a couple of reasons. I thought that I looked horrible. I was uncomfortable at that size. I had no idea what made me gain 20 pounds in a 6 month period. Nothing had changed in my life, my eating habits, my health, my mental health, my exercise patterns, my medications ... nothing, yet I somehow gained 20 lb.
Well, no sooner had I reached 195, OK maybe a few months later, I started to lose the weight and a year later I was back around 170 and I felt pretty good about it. Ask me what I did to lose the weight. Go on, ask.
I'm glad you asked because I don't know. I am just going to copy and paste the following ... Nothing had changed in my life, my eating habits, my health, my mental health, my exercise patterns, my medications ... nothing.
No matter, I was back to feeling healthy and content in my size. I do not have a scale at home so I only get my weight when I have a doctor appointment or a planned visit with the diabetes nurses or dietitians at the hospital. Every time I am weighed my weight has gone down. The last time I had my weight taken was 2 weeks ago and I was at 159.7 lb. Why is this happening?
Each visit that includes being weighed I say to the nurse or doctor something along the lines of ... damn, I have lost more weight. But nobody has, to date, looked at my weight gain and loss over the past couple of years and nobody has said ... hmmm, let's take a look at what's going on here.
Next appointment is about a month away and as long as I don't waste away before then I am going to confront the nursing staff in the diabetes center and have them look at my gain and loss and try find a reason or try to understand why it is happening.
Because it is a weight loss every single visit I am a little concerned that it may be something wrong (something else) wrong with my body. Even if it is discovered and it is something terrible, I would rather know what it is then continue losing weight and not knowing why. I have allowed this to proceed for a couple of years now. Maybe it is something fatal that I could have prevented a year ago. Or, maybe it is something fatal that can be fixed because it was caught early.
As the wicked witch of the west said ... I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking
Peace, Out
Two years ago I weighed 170 lb and was told by many people that I looked good at that weight. By the end of 2008 I was up to 195 lb and I absolutely hated it for a couple of reasons. I thought that I looked horrible. I was uncomfortable at that size. I had no idea what made me gain 20 pounds in a 6 month period. Nothing had changed in my life, my eating habits, my health, my mental health, my exercise patterns, my medications ... nothing, yet I somehow gained 20 lb.
Well, no sooner had I reached 195, OK maybe a few months later, I started to lose the weight and a year later I was back around 170 and I felt pretty good about it. Ask me what I did to lose the weight. Go on, ask.
I'm glad you asked because I don't know. I am just going to copy and paste the following ... Nothing had changed in my life, my eating habits, my health, my mental health, my exercise patterns, my medications ... nothing.
No matter, I was back to feeling healthy and content in my size. I do not have a scale at home so I only get my weight when I have a doctor appointment or a planned visit with the diabetes nurses or dietitians at the hospital. Every time I am weighed my weight has gone down. The last time I had my weight taken was 2 weeks ago and I was at 159.7 lb. Why is this happening?
Each visit that includes being weighed I say to the nurse or doctor something along the lines of ... damn, I have lost more weight. But nobody has, to date, looked at my weight gain and loss over the past couple of years and nobody has said ... hmmm, let's take a look at what's going on here.
Next appointment is about a month away and as long as I don't waste away before then I am going to confront the nursing staff in the diabetes center and have them look at my gain and loss and try find a reason or try to understand why it is happening.
Because it is a weight loss every single visit I am a little concerned that it may be something wrong (something else) wrong with my body. Even if it is discovered and it is something terrible, I would rather know what it is then continue losing weight and not knowing why. I have allowed this to proceed for a couple of years now. Maybe it is something fatal that I could have prevented a year ago. Or, maybe it is something fatal that can be fixed because it was caught early.
As the wicked witch of the west said ... I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking
Peace, Out
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
5 - Weekend ...
It was another weekend of having a list of chores that was too long or I just work too slowly because only 3 of them were completed. While I didn’t complete very many, 2 of those I did complete were the bigger, more time consuming of the list. I even managed to do something that wasn’t on the list. I think that I can congratulate myself for a weekend well done.
Just a couple of years ago, if I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish, even a very short list of 1 or 2 items, and I didn’t accomplish what I wanted, I would head straight down the depression highway, even exceeding the speed limit. If the same thing happened over the following weeks, as it always did, my motivation would be beaten down to nothing. Recovering from that was damn difficult but over time I did. Unfortunately, for reasons that I cannot yet understand, my motivation has taken another beating and one of the reasons for this journal is to get that motivation back in full force.
Week after week, failing to complete tasks beat the crap out of any motivation that I could muster. By completing 3 (+1 extra) tasks this weekend did provide me with a little motivation. I suppose I could have done another 1 or 2 of the small ones but lack of motivation tells me that I am tired and I have to sit down, put my feet up and rest (another way to say vegetate) or daydream.
Yesterday was a beautiful, hot, sunny day and a holiday to boot, that I spent working outside. This morning was absolutely splendid … sunny, no clouds anywhere, 19 or 20C (67 or 68F). Driving to work with the windows open was a big rush of feel good.
Yesterday I also changed the bed linen from winter to summer. I use flannel sheets in the winter and cotton in the summer. When you get in bed, in the winter, I’ll bet that your cotton sheets are goose bump cold, aren’t they? The only thing about cold sheets is getting REAL close to your partner, assuming that you have one. With flannel sheets you don’t have to worry about the temperature of the sheets as they are always nice. In addition, they are really soft. If you haven’t tried them you should. Tonight I will probably put away the winter down duvet for the summer one.
We had a 3 day weekend this last one and I have a 5 day weekend this coming one. I have to use up the remaining 2009 – 2010 vacation year vacation time before the end of June. My list of tasks for next weekend will be very short, 1 item. I am going to paint the trim on the outside of the house. There are 9 large windows, 1 door + trim, 2 more doors to trim, the patio roof ceiling and the awning over the back door. I don’t think that it will take 5 days (I hope the weather co-operates) so if I finish early I will be able to get a couple of other things done. Maybe
Just a couple of years ago, if I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish, even a very short list of 1 or 2 items, and I didn’t accomplish what I wanted, I would head straight down the depression highway, even exceeding the speed limit. If the same thing happened over the following weeks, as it always did, my motivation would be beaten down to nothing. Recovering from that was damn difficult but over time I did. Unfortunately, for reasons that I cannot yet understand, my motivation has taken another beating and one of the reasons for this journal is to get that motivation back in full force.
Week after week, failing to complete tasks beat the crap out of any motivation that I could muster. By completing 3 (+1 extra) tasks this weekend did provide me with a little motivation. I suppose I could have done another 1 or 2 of the small ones but lack of motivation tells me that I am tired and I have to sit down, put my feet up and rest (another way to say vegetate) or daydream.
Yesterday was a beautiful, hot, sunny day and a holiday to boot, that I spent working outside. This morning was absolutely splendid … sunny, no clouds anywhere, 19 or 20C (67 or 68F). Driving to work with the windows open was a big rush of feel good.
Yesterday I also changed the bed linen from winter to summer. I use flannel sheets in the winter and cotton in the summer. When you get in bed, in the winter, I’ll bet that your cotton sheets are goose bump cold, aren’t they? The only thing about cold sheets is getting REAL close to your partner, assuming that you have one. With flannel sheets you don’t have to worry about the temperature of the sheets as they are always nice. In addition, they are really soft. If you haven’t tried them you should. Tonight I will probably put away the winter down duvet for the summer one.
We had a 3 day weekend this last one and I have a 5 day weekend this coming one. I have to use up the remaining 2009 – 2010 vacation year vacation time before the end of June. My list of tasks for next weekend will be very short, 1 item. I am going to paint the trim on the outside of the house. There are 9 large windows, 1 door + trim, 2 more doors to trim, the patio roof ceiling and the awning over the back door. I don’t think that it will take 5 days (I hope the weather co-operates) so if I finish early I will be able to get a couple of other things done. Maybe
Sunday, May 23, 2010
4 - Crap ...
This past week was awful. I had a project to work on that was due last Monday. I managed to get it done and hand it in and then it was changed each day until Thursday, right after I submit it each and every day. In a couple of words, work sucked.
A couple of weeks ago I joined a dating site, looking for I don't know what. I would love to have a bunch of 30 or 40 year olds contact me but alas that ain't happening. My profile is getting a couple of dozen hits every day and I get a few messages each day. I don't know what people are thinking when they decide to contact people. I receive a lot of messages from women in their 60s who, in most cases, look like they are in their 70s. They obviously don't read very well, nor do they comprehend. Sure they can take a chance but that chance of success is extremely slim.
I have started to correspond with a couple of women and one of them I cut off last night. We had exchanged quite a number of e-mails and touched on numerous subjects. One of them was movies and I said that I will not watch violent, bloody or gory movies, in fact, I would rather watch porn than violence. Dead silence. She then stumbled through a few words but didn't make a lot of sense. Figuring that she was not as enthusiastic about sex as I am, I dropped a few other "hints" that were sexual in nature and she was rather negative with them. So, suppose that I ignored that hesitation and we did do out together. Before too long we would end up in bed and with the hesitation she displayed if I tried anything other than straight missionary sex it would not have been received well or at all.
Sex is an extremely important part of a good relationship and if you can't or won't accommodate what you lover enjoys the relationship won't last very long ... at least from my point of view. So, rather than wasting my time (and money) on something that may end up in frustration and failure, I put a halt to everything.
Am I shallow? Perhaps.
Today has been an even worse day. I have an old shed in my backyard that I am getting rid of so I was out there taking it apart and my 3 dogs were in the yard with me. One of the boys, Welsby, enjoys going under, over or through the fence into my neighbor's yard. He never goes further than that. One minute he was laying beside the shed and when I checked again about 15 minutes later he has disappeared. I called and called him but he wasn't in the neighbor's yard. I checked in front of the house and walked up and down the street. Then I bundled the other 2 dogs into the car and drove every street in the neighborhood to no avail. The chance of finding him wandering on the street are pretty slim, having to be on the same street at the same time as he is.
This is the puppy (10 months yesterday) who had bilateral elbow dysplasia surgery 7 weeks ago and is not supposed to run or walk too much and is on a special diet. I pray that he is found somebody who either calls the pound (he has a city dog tag) or the microchip company (he is microchipped with a contact tag on his collar). I don't want to even think about him being hit by a vehicle or taken by somebody who disregards the ID that is on him.
I am going out again to see if I can spot him, please cross your fingers for me.
UPDATE : 6:15PM
Welsby is back safe and sound. He was a total of 4 houses away and was there for almost 3 hours. He was laying on the grass in front of a house and the owner brought him in. Meanwhile, I was walking and driving the neighborhood for a couple of hours. I realize it's rather pointless driving around to look for a dog. It would be luck if I happened to be on the same street as him at the same time. I came back in and called the pound. Closed for Sunday and the holiday tomorrow. There was an emergency phone number so I called that. After giving a description, the city tag number and the microchip number she says that she thinks my dog has been located. She gives me the phone number of the person. It was Welsby and as I said, 4 houses away.
I no sooner got him back in the house when I loaded all 3 into the car and went to PetSmart. I bought a 2 foot long anchor that screws into the ground and a 40 foot steel cable. He has brought this on himself by refusing to stay in the yard.
A couple of weeks ago I joined a dating site, looking for I don't know what. I would love to have a bunch of 30 or 40 year olds contact me but alas that ain't happening. My profile is getting a couple of dozen hits every day and I get a few messages each day. I don't know what people are thinking when they decide to contact people. I receive a lot of messages from women in their 60s who, in most cases, look like they are in their 70s. They obviously don't read very well, nor do they comprehend. Sure they can take a chance but that chance of success is extremely slim.
I have started to correspond with a couple of women and one of them I cut off last night. We had exchanged quite a number of e-mails and touched on numerous subjects. One of them was movies and I said that I will not watch violent, bloody or gory movies, in fact, I would rather watch porn than violence. Dead silence. She then stumbled through a few words but didn't make a lot of sense. Figuring that she was not as enthusiastic about sex as I am, I dropped a few other "hints" that were sexual in nature and she was rather negative with them. So, suppose that I ignored that hesitation and we did do out together. Before too long we would end up in bed and with the hesitation she displayed if I tried anything other than straight missionary sex it would not have been received well or at all.
Sex is an extremely important part of a good relationship and if you can't or won't accommodate what you lover enjoys the relationship won't last very long ... at least from my point of view. So, rather than wasting my time (and money) on something that may end up in frustration and failure, I put a halt to everything.
Am I shallow? Perhaps.
Today has been an even worse day. I have an old shed in my backyard that I am getting rid of so I was out there taking it apart and my 3 dogs were in the yard with me. One of the boys, Welsby, enjoys going under, over or through the fence into my neighbor's yard. He never goes further than that. One minute he was laying beside the shed and when I checked again about 15 minutes later he has disappeared. I called and called him but he wasn't in the neighbor's yard. I checked in front of the house and walked up and down the street. Then I bundled the other 2 dogs into the car and drove every street in the neighborhood to no avail. The chance of finding him wandering on the street are pretty slim, having to be on the same street at the same time as he is.
This is the puppy (10 months yesterday) who had bilateral elbow dysplasia surgery 7 weeks ago and is not supposed to run or walk too much and is on a special diet. I pray that he is found somebody who either calls the pound (he has a city dog tag) or the microchip company (he is microchipped with a contact tag on his collar). I don't want to even think about him being hit by a vehicle or taken by somebody who disregards the ID that is on him.
I am going out again to see if I can spot him, please cross your fingers for me.
UPDATE : 6:15PM
Welsby is back safe and sound. He was a total of 4 houses away and was there for almost 3 hours. He was laying on the grass in front of a house and the owner brought him in. Meanwhile, I was walking and driving the neighborhood for a couple of hours. I realize it's rather pointless driving around to look for a dog. It would be luck if I happened to be on the same street as him at the same time. I came back in and called the pound. Closed for Sunday and the holiday tomorrow. There was an emergency phone number so I called that. After giving a description, the city tag number and the microchip number she says that she thinks my dog has been located. She gives me the phone number of the person. It was Welsby and as I said, 4 houses away.
I no sooner got him back in the house when I loaded all 3 into the car and went to PetSmart. I bought a 2 foot long anchor that screws into the ground and a 40 foot steel cable. He has brought this on himself by refusing to stay in the yard.
Monday, May 17, 2010
3 - Gone Fishing ...
During a conversation with my counselor recently we (she) decided that if I were to improve my social life and perhaps even fins a love interest, that my motivation would follow along and return. I believe that she is on the right track so I have decided to do what we discussed.
My problem lies in that I have no idea how to go about meeting women. I am not a bar person and not terribly interested in joining a group so what do I do? I joined an online dating site and have been blown away by the number of women looking at my profile and messaging me. Unfortunately, the vast majority of those looking at the profile and messaging me are not what I would call ... inviting. I swear that some of them look like they are 95 yet they give their ages as the same, or thereabouts, as mine.
I have shared a few messages with a couple of women and there might be something to pursue but I am certainly not holding my breath. I cannot explain why but I am extremely attracted to women between the ages of mid 30 to mid 40. I seem to relate to them better than any other age group.
I have one extremely close friend in California who is probably the most sensational person that I know ... mid 30, absolutely gorgeous, talented (singer, dancer), sometime musician and songwriter, model ... she just blows me away. She is also the only person that I know who I would live with.
I have a couple of other friends, both 40, and I get along with them very, very well. They are both very pretty, intelligent, fun and funny and nice to be with.
So, you're probably saying if they are all that wonderful and you get along with them so well, why not date them. There are several reasons for not being able to date any of them and there is no need to go into them here. I don't like any of the reasons but there is not a lot that I can do about them.
One thing that I find extremely rude of many if not most of the people on this dating site (and I am certain other sites are the same) is that you take the time to read a profile and if you are interested then you send a message. The number of people who have the courtesy to respond, even if it is to say no thanks, is very small.
Many of the messages that I receive are a single line ... Hi, I read your profile and it's really good so write back. I do and politely say that I am not interested. I put a lot of work into making up the lies in my profile and I expect more than a single line reply. When I contact somebody whose profile interests me I write a paragraph, or two or more. I relate to what they have written and ask questions/give information. I try to make it interesting and myself interesting at the same time.
It is frustrating not to receive a response when I think that I am a damn good catch for the right woman. Then again, I don't know of many women, yet, who would want to develop the kind of relationship that I am looking for. Yes, it would be en exclusive, monogamous relationship but I would have my house and she would have hers. We would get together every weekend, occasionally a night or two during the week, vacation together but at the end of most weeknights we go to our own houses.
I have lived alone for 6+ years now and I rather enjoy the privacy and freedom that living alone brings. I can do what I want, when I want to and I don't have to worry about pissing somebody off. I can burp, fart and scratch myself to my heart's content and nobody is around to make comments. I can eat whatever and whenever I want to do so. I can choose to watch sports or porn 24 hours a day and not offend anyone.
I also believe that, in spite of our best intentions, we do get into a rut when we are with somebody every day of the year. What is exciting in the beginning eventually becomes mundane and not so very special. By having separate homes and getting together as I described above, the exciting and special will remain that way for a much longer period of time. Sex would always be new and exciting and something to look forward to with a lot of anticipation (especially with notes sent or erotic phone calls made, describing what you plan to do to each other on the weekend).
So there is another rambling post telling you something about where my head is at these days.
My problem lies in that I have no idea how to go about meeting women. I am not a bar person and not terribly interested in joining a group so what do I do? I joined an online dating site and have been blown away by the number of women looking at my profile and messaging me. Unfortunately, the vast majority of those looking at the profile and messaging me are not what I would call ... inviting. I swear that some of them look like they are 95 yet they give their ages as the same, or thereabouts, as mine.
I have shared a few messages with a couple of women and there might be something to pursue but I am certainly not holding my breath. I cannot explain why but I am extremely attracted to women between the ages of mid 30 to mid 40. I seem to relate to them better than any other age group.
I have one extremely close friend in California who is probably the most sensational person that I know ... mid 30, absolutely gorgeous, talented (singer, dancer), sometime musician and songwriter, model ... she just blows me away. She is also the only person that I know who I would live with.
I have a couple of other friends, both 40, and I get along with them very, very well. They are both very pretty, intelligent, fun and funny and nice to be with.
So, you're probably saying if they are all that wonderful and you get along with them so well, why not date them. There are several reasons for not being able to date any of them and there is no need to go into them here. I don't like any of the reasons but there is not a lot that I can do about them.
One thing that I find extremely rude of many if not most of the people on this dating site (and I am certain other sites are the same) is that you take the time to read a profile and if you are interested then you send a message. The number of people who have the courtesy to respond, even if it is to say no thanks, is very small.
Many of the messages that I receive are a single line ... Hi, I read your profile and it's really good so write back. I do and politely say that I am not interested. I put a lot of work into making up the lies in my profile and I expect more than a single line reply. When I contact somebody whose profile interests me I write a paragraph, or two or more. I relate to what they have written and ask questions/give information. I try to make it interesting and myself interesting at the same time.
It is frustrating not to receive a response when I think that I am a damn good catch for the right woman. Then again, I don't know of many women, yet, who would want to develop the kind of relationship that I am looking for. Yes, it would be en exclusive, monogamous relationship but I would have my house and she would have hers. We would get together every weekend, occasionally a night or two during the week, vacation together but at the end of most weeknights we go to our own houses.
I have lived alone for 6+ years now and I rather enjoy the privacy and freedom that living alone brings. I can do what I want, when I want to and I don't have to worry about pissing somebody off. I can burp, fart and scratch myself to my heart's content and nobody is around to make comments. I can eat whatever and whenever I want to do so. I can choose to watch sports or porn 24 hours a day and not offend anyone.
I also believe that, in spite of our best intentions, we do get into a rut when we are with somebody every day of the year. What is exciting in the beginning eventually becomes mundane and not so very special. By having separate homes and getting together as I described above, the exciting and special will remain that way for a much longer period of time. Sex would always be new and exciting and something to look forward to with a lot of anticipation (especially with notes sent or erotic phone calls made, describing what you plan to do to each other on the weekend).
So there is another rambling post telling you something about where my head is at these days.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
2 - Holding Me Together
Here we are at post #2 in this blog/journal.
It is Sunday night and I think that I had a decent weekend. I gave myself a list of tasks that I wanted to accomplish that was way too long. A few years ago I would look at a long list and get depressed just looking at it. I would feel overwhelmed by the number of things that I had to do and I would end up not doing any.
The way I conquered that was to make very shorts lists, perhaps only 1 small thing but when I accomplished that 1 thing I felt good. Successful!!! I no longer look at long lists of tasks as something to get me down and run to hind under the covers of my bed.
Here are the contents of my weekend list ...
- get oil changed in car
- mow the lawn in the backyard
- buy a book
- buy some blank DVDs
- vacuum the house
- move the couch to the other side of the living room
- try and repair the hole that Welsby chewed in the couch
- was the kitchen floor
- clean the bathroom
- dust
- get 3 illegal software applications
- write a post in Blogger
- download and install Thunderbird 3
- find a video joiner program
- do the paperwork that the CRA wants for my tax audit
- glue a small piece of wood on a window frame that Welsby accidentally pulled off
- join 2 videos together
I managed to get the following done
- mowed the lawn
- bought the DVDs
- vacuumed some of the house
- moved the couch
- cleaned the bathroom
- did some dusting
- am writing this post
- downloaded the illegal software
- found a video joiner
- downloaded Thunderbird 3
- tried to join the 2 videos together and it crashed my computer
Do I feel bad for not getting it all done? Nope. Do I care? Nope
But I also did my grocery shopping, laundry and ironing, went out and watched part of a friend's soccer game, make a fabulous dinner tonight for my son and I (Dill Salmon with Roasted Garlic and Tomato Soup ... from scratch. I am a damn fine cook if I do say so.
I had wanted to have my soccer friend come to dinner but her game started an hour late and I had to leave well before the end of the game. I spoke with her when she went home and told her that I had wanted to have her over but never had the opportunity to ask. She said that she would have probably come for dinner and more than likely would next time.
I'll say it right here and now, I have picked Montreal and San Jose to win the conference finals in hockey. This afternoon, San Jose lost the first game and Montreal is in the process of having their asses wiped by Philadelphia.
Woody is laying on the floor behind my chair snoring like a banshee, whatever that sounds like. The other dogs don't snore but Woody more than makes up for their silence.
At some point I will get this blog straightened out with some links but for now this is what it is.
Have a great night
It is Sunday night and I think that I had a decent weekend. I gave myself a list of tasks that I wanted to accomplish that was way too long. A few years ago I would look at a long list and get depressed just looking at it. I would feel overwhelmed by the number of things that I had to do and I would end up not doing any.
The way I conquered that was to make very shorts lists, perhaps only 1 small thing but when I accomplished that 1 thing I felt good. Successful!!! I no longer look at long lists of tasks as something to get me down and run to hind under the covers of my bed.
Here are the contents of my weekend list ...
- get oil changed in car
- mow the lawn in the backyard
- buy a book
- buy some blank DVDs
- vacuum the house
- move the couch to the other side of the living room
- try and repair the hole that Welsby chewed in the couch
- was the kitchen floor
- clean the bathroom
- dust
- get 3 illegal software applications
- write a post in Blogger
- download and install Thunderbird 3
- find a video joiner program
- do the paperwork that the CRA wants for my tax audit
- glue a small piece of wood on a window frame that Welsby accidentally pulled off
- join 2 videos together
I managed to get the following done
- mowed the lawn
- bought the DVDs
- vacuumed some of the house
- moved the couch
- cleaned the bathroom
- did some dusting
- am writing this post
- downloaded the illegal software
- found a video joiner
- downloaded Thunderbird 3
- tried to join the 2 videos together and it crashed my computer
Do I feel bad for not getting it all done? Nope. Do I care? Nope
But I also did my grocery shopping, laundry and ironing, went out and watched part of a friend's soccer game, make a fabulous dinner tonight for my son and I (Dill Salmon with Roasted Garlic and Tomato Soup ... from scratch. I am a damn fine cook if I do say so.
I had wanted to have my soccer friend come to dinner but her game started an hour late and I had to leave well before the end of the game. I spoke with her when she went home and told her that I had wanted to have her over but never had the opportunity to ask. She said that she would have probably come for dinner and more than likely would next time.
I'll say it right here and now, I have picked Montreal and San Jose to win the conference finals in hockey. This afternoon, San Jose lost the first game and Montreal is in the process of having their asses wiped by Philadelphia.
Woody is laying on the floor behind my chair snoring like a banshee, whatever that sounds like. The other dogs don't snore but Woody more than makes up for their silence.
At some point I will get this blog straightened out with some links but for now this is what it is.
Have a great night
1 - I Am ...
I have started this blog/journal on the advice on my counselor. In 2006 I
was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder and as part of the
therapy I wrote a journal. My counselors at the time had suggested it for a
while and I had always poo-poohed the idea. Once I did start, however, I
found it to be a very therapeutic tool and it was an immense help in
getting me back on the straight and narrow. Well, the journal, medications,
self talk and therapy were all part of the solution.
It took about a year of hard work but I reached the point where I felt that
I no longer needed the journal so I let it go.
After I was discharged from the hospital I developed an I don't give a crap
attitude about most things and I was able to function this way for a long
time. Recently I have found myself REALLY not giving a crap and it took a
few months before I realized what was happening. I was slowly starting
down the road to another depression. Fortunately I was able to recognize
what was happening and got in to see my psychiatrist who confirmed what was
going on. He increased one of my meds and sent me off to counseling.
I requested a counselor and some guy called me and we set up an
appointment. He gave me the address he was located and the next day,
promptly at 9AM, I arrived for the appointment. There was a notice pasted
to the front door stating that they had moved 6 weeks prior to my visit. I
went to work and called the hospital. I stated very clearly that I did not
want anybody trying to take care of my head who did not know where he
worked.
I was then set up with another counselor, KC, who has turned out to be
awesome. Not only is she addressing my I REALLY don't care attitude but she
is also helping me understand other parts of my life that may be
contributing to this attitude.
I have had type 1 diabetes for 42 years, ever since the age of 17. What is
happening in a guy's life at 17 (at least back then)? You get together,
play sports and then go for a beer (legally of illegally). I couldn't have
the beer so I dropped out of that part of my life.
Hormones are raging … a nice way of saying that I was horny all the time …
and that was OK but questions started arising … why doesn't he hang out
with you guys any more? Why doesn't he play pick up hockey or baseball any
more? There were parties and school dances … always with some alcohol
involved, so I stayed away. Over a period of a few years I pretty well
withdrew from socializing and became a hermit, away from society. I had to
be my own best friend because I no longer had any friends.
Life became a series of low and high blood sugars and I almost died on a
couple of occasions. I lived like that for about 20 years until I met the
woman I married and had 2 children with. That period in my life consisted
of 3 stages … 5 years of honeymoon, 5 years of the marriage deteriorating
and 5 years of hell. It was so bad that at 1 point I took a massive
overdose of insulin, just to show my wife what she was doing to me. I did
not want to die so I used insulin that only started working several hours
after it was injected, giving myself a way of escape.
After that it became much worse with verbal, mental, emotional and physical
abuse until I reached a point where I could no longer handle it all and I
left the marriage and my children. I thought I was going to die the day I
left. The pain was so intense that I cannot even describe what it felt
like.
I spent the next 2 years doing OK and not realizing what was happening to
me as I could not recognize any signs of depression. Towards the end of
2005 I was down in the dumps all the time and it was only at Christmas,
when my parents, brother and sister and their families came to my house for
the holidays in my newly purchased house.
They stayed with me for 4 days and then they were gone. The silence in the
house was devastating and for the first time I spent the day crying. The
spiral down from that point on was swift and unstoppable. The day long
crying episodes happened almost every weekend. I was managing to hide it at
work but I hit a day at the end of February where I was crying in the
office. Not all day and not as devastatingly as it was at home but it was
happening and I could no longer control it.
Over the previous 2 months I had spent many a night sitting on the side of
my bed with everything I needed to take my life. I was so close that I
could smell death in the air. Something stopped me each time.
Even before I bought my house in the summer of 2005 I was sleeping very
little at night. My memory was going to hell, my ability to focus and
remember what I was doing were not doing too well. After moving into my
house it all became worse and I started to hallucinate.
One day at work, after crying at work for an hour I called my doctor then
walked into my boss's office and said that I had to leave. I drove to the
doctor's office barely seeing the road because of all the moisture leaking
from my eyes and he saw me immediately. He listened to me, suggested 3
things that could be done and the one I chose was to go to the hospital and
that to the emergency psychiatric nurse. After talking with her for an hour
she recommended that I be admitted to the hospital and I was wheeled
upstairs with a security guard watching me to prevent a nutcase (me) from
doing something foolish.
I was hospitalized for 2 weeks, put on medication and therapy. I was
discharged but did not return to work as I was in therapy every day for the
next few weeks. About a month after being discharged I asked the
psychiatrist if I could return to work because I felt that I would do
better if I was back in a normal� routine rather than spending 20 hours a
day asleep.
I was allowed to work a couple of days a week and over the next 6 months,
gradually increased my time until I was back to full time and feeling
pretty good.
Fast forward to the beginning of 2010 and we are back to the beginning of
this entry.
I have to work on regaining enthusiasm and motivation, on improving my
social life, meeting and keeping new friends and perhaps a lover. If I can
accomplish all of this then maybe I will be able to correct my I don'™t care
attitude. I'll have to be quite frank though … I kind of enjoy some
aspects of not caring because not a lot gets to me, upsets me, causes
stress for not meeting deadlines, etc. Perhaps I need a more controlled I
don't care attitude and not apply it to everything I think, do or say.
Time and hard work will tell the truth
was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder and as part of the
therapy I wrote a journal. My counselors at the time had suggested it for a
while and I had always poo-poohed the idea. Once I did start, however, I
found it to be a very therapeutic tool and it was an immense help in
getting me back on the straight and narrow. Well, the journal, medications,
self talk and therapy were all part of the solution.
It took about a year of hard work but I reached the point where I felt that
I no longer needed the journal so I let it go.
After I was discharged from the hospital I developed an I don't give a crap
attitude about most things and I was able to function this way for a long
time. Recently I have found myself REALLY not giving a crap and it took a
few months before I realized what was happening. I was slowly starting
down the road to another depression. Fortunately I was able to recognize
what was happening and got in to see my psychiatrist who confirmed what was
going on. He increased one of my meds and sent me off to counseling.
I requested a counselor and some guy called me and we set up an
appointment. He gave me the address he was located and the next day,
promptly at 9AM, I arrived for the appointment. There was a notice pasted
to the front door stating that they had moved 6 weeks prior to my visit. I
went to work and called the hospital. I stated very clearly that I did not
want anybody trying to take care of my head who did not know where he
worked.
I was then set up with another counselor, KC, who has turned out to be
awesome. Not only is she addressing my I REALLY don't care attitude but she
is also helping me understand other parts of my life that may be
contributing to this attitude.
I have had type 1 diabetes for 42 years, ever since the age of 17. What is
happening in a guy's life at 17 (at least back then)? You get together,
play sports and then go for a beer (legally of illegally). I couldn't have
the beer so I dropped out of that part of my life.
Hormones are raging … a nice way of saying that I was horny all the time …
and that was OK but questions started arising … why doesn't he hang out
with you guys any more? Why doesn't he play pick up hockey or baseball any
more? There were parties and school dances … always with some alcohol
involved, so I stayed away. Over a period of a few years I pretty well
withdrew from socializing and became a hermit, away from society. I had to
be my own best friend because I no longer had any friends.
Life became a series of low and high blood sugars and I almost died on a
couple of occasions. I lived like that for about 20 years until I met the
woman I married and had 2 children with. That period in my life consisted
of 3 stages … 5 years of honeymoon, 5 years of the marriage deteriorating
and 5 years of hell. It was so bad that at 1 point I took a massive
overdose of insulin, just to show my wife what she was doing to me. I did
not want to die so I used insulin that only started working several hours
after it was injected, giving myself a way of escape.
After that it became much worse with verbal, mental, emotional and physical
abuse until I reached a point where I could no longer handle it all and I
left the marriage and my children. I thought I was going to die the day I
left. The pain was so intense that I cannot even describe what it felt
like.
I spent the next 2 years doing OK and not realizing what was happening to
me as I could not recognize any signs of depression. Towards the end of
2005 I was down in the dumps all the time and it was only at Christmas,
when my parents, brother and sister and their families came to my house for
the holidays in my newly purchased house.
They stayed with me for 4 days and then they were gone. The silence in the
house was devastating and for the first time I spent the day crying. The
spiral down from that point on was swift and unstoppable. The day long
crying episodes happened almost every weekend. I was managing to hide it at
work but I hit a day at the end of February where I was crying in the
office. Not all day and not as devastatingly as it was at home but it was
happening and I could no longer control it.
Over the previous 2 months I had spent many a night sitting on the side of
my bed with everything I needed to take my life. I was so close that I
could smell death in the air. Something stopped me each time.
Even before I bought my house in the summer of 2005 I was sleeping very
little at night. My memory was going to hell, my ability to focus and
remember what I was doing were not doing too well. After moving into my
house it all became worse and I started to hallucinate.
One day at work, after crying at work for an hour I called my doctor then
walked into my boss's office and said that I had to leave. I drove to the
doctor's office barely seeing the road because of all the moisture leaking
from my eyes and he saw me immediately. He listened to me, suggested 3
things that could be done and the one I chose was to go to the hospital and
that to the emergency psychiatric nurse. After talking with her for an hour
she recommended that I be admitted to the hospital and I was wheeled
upstairs with a security guard watching me to prevent a nutcase (me) from
doing something foolish.
I was hospitalized for 2 weeks, put on medication and therapy. I was
discharged but did not return to work as I was in therapy every day for the
next few weeks. About a month after being discharged I asked the
psychiatrist if I could return to work because I felt that I would do
better if I was back in a normal� routine rather than spending 20 hours a
day asleep.
I was allowed to work a couple of days a week and over the next 6 months,
gradually increased my time until I was back to full time and feeling
pretty good.
Fast forward to the beginning of 2010 and we are back to the beginning of
this entry.
I have to work on regaining enthusiasm and motivation, on improving my
social life, meeting and keeping new friends and perhaps a lover. If I can
accomplish all of this then maybe I will be able to correct my I don'™t care
attitude. I'll have to be quite frank though … I kind of enjoy some
aspects of not caring because not a lot gets to me, upsets me, causes
stress for not meeting deadlines, etc. Perhaps I need a more controlled I
don't care attitude and not apply it to everything I think, do or say.
Time and hard work will tell the truth
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