I have started this blog/journal on the advice on my counselor. In 2006 I
was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder and as part of the
therapy I wrote a journal. My counselors at the time had suggested it for a
while and I had always poo-poohed the idea. Once I did start, however, I
found it to be a very therapeutic tool and it was an immense help in
getting me back on the straight and narrow. Well, the journal, medications,
self talk and therapy were all part of the solution.
It took about a year of hard work but I reached the point where I felt that
I no longer needed the journal so I let it go.
After I was discharged from the hospital I developed an I don't give a crap
attitude about most things and I was able to function this way for a long
time. Recently I have found myself REALLY not giving a crap and it took a
few months before I realized what was happening. I was slowly starting
down the road to another depression. Fortunately I was able to recognize
what was happening and got in to see my psychiatrist who confirmed what was
going on. He increased one of my meds and sent me off to counseling.
I requested a counselor and some guy called me and we set up an
appointment. He gave me the address he was located and the next day,
promptly at 9AM, I arrived for the appointment. There was a notice pasted
to the front door stating that they had moved 6 weeks prior to my visit. I
went to work and called the hospital. I stated very clearly that I did not
want anybody trying to take care of my head who did not know where he
worked.
I was then set up with another counselor, KC, who has turned out to be
awesome. Not only is she addressing my I REALLY don't care attitude but she
is also helping me understand other parts of my life that may be
contributing to this attitude.
I have had type 1 diabetes for 42 years, ever since the age of 17. What is
happening in a guy's life at 17 (at least back then)? You get together,
play sports and then go for a beer (legally of illegally). I couldn't have
the beer so I dropped out of that part of my life.
Hormones are raging … a nice way of saying that I was horny all the time …
and that was OK but questions started arising … why doesn't he hang out
with you guys any more? Why doesn't he play pick up hockey or baseball any
more? There were parties and school dances … always with some alcohol
involved, so I stayed away. Over a period of a few years I pretty well
withdrew from socializing and became a hermit, away from society. I had to
be my own best friend because I no longer had any friends.
Life became a series of low and high blood sugars and I almost died on a
couple of occasions. I lived like that for about 20 years until I met the
woman I married and had 2 children with. That period in my life consisted
of 3 stages … 5 years of honeymoon, 5 years of the marriage deteriorating
and 5 years of hell. It was so bad that at 1 point I took a massive
overdose of insulin, just to show my wife what she was doing to me. I did
not want to die so I used insulin that only started working several hours
after it was injected, giving myself a way of escape.
After that it became much worse with verbal, mental, emotional and physical
abuse until I reached a point where I could no longer handle it all and I
left the marriage and my children. I thought I was going to die the day I
left. The pain was so intense that I cannot even describe what it felt
like.
I spent the next 2 years doing OK and not realizing what was happening to
me as I could not recognize any signs of depression. Towards the end of
2005 I was down in the dumps all the time and it was only at Christmas,
when my parents, brother and sister and their families came to my house for
the holidays in my newly purchased house.
They stayed with me for 4 days and then they were gone. The silence in the
house was devastating and for the first time I spent the day crying. The
spiral down from that point on was swift and unstoppable. The day long
crying episodes happened almost every weekend. I was managing to hide it at
work but I hit a day at the end of February where I was crying in the
office. Not all day and not as devastatingly as it was at home but it was
happening and I could no longer control it.
Over the previous 2 months I had spent many a night sitting on the side of
my bed with everything I needed to take my life. I was so close that I
could smell death in the air. Something stopped me each time.
Even before I bought my house in the summer of 2005 I was sleeping very
little at night. My memory was going to hell, my ability to focus and
remember what I was doing were not doing too well. After moving into my
house it all became worse and I started to hallucinate.
One day at work, after crying at work for an hour I called my doctor then
walked into my boss's office and said that I had to leave. I drove to the
doctor's office barely seeing the road because of all the moisture leaking
from my eyes and he saw me immediately. He listened to me, suggested 3
things that could be done and the one I chose was to go to the hospital and
that to the emergency psychiatric nurse. After talking with her for an hour
she recommended that I be admitted to the hospital and I was wheeled
upstairs with a security guard watching me to prevent a nutcase (me) from
doing something foolish.
I was hospitalized for 2 weeks, put on medication and therapy. I was
discharged but did not return to work as I was in therapy every day for the
next few weeks. About a month after being discharged I asked the
psychiatrist if I could return to work because I felt that I would do
better if I was back in a normal� routine rather than spending 20 hours a
day asleep.
I was allowed to work a couple of days a week and over the next 6 months,
gradually increased my time until I was back to full time and feeling
pretty good.
Fast forward to the beginning of 2010 and we are back to the beginning of
this entry.
I have to work on regaining enthusiasm and motivation, on improving my
social life, meeting and keeping new friends and perhaps a lover. If I can
accomplish all of this then maybe I will be able to correct my I don'™t care
attitude. I'll have to be quite frank though … I kind of enjoy some
aspects of not caring because not a lot gets to me, upsets me, causes
stress for not meeting deadlines, etc. Perhaps I need a more controlled I
don't care attitude and not apply it to everything I think, do or say.
Time and hard work will tell the truth
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